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What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most
comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a
block away, but don't hear you when you're in the
same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same
time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and
then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they
meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
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8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY
FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY
FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY
FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY
FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY
FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY
FAVORITE!
6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING
IN MY PEOPLES BED! MY FAVORITE!
Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with
bizarre little dangling objects. They dine
lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced
to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps
me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I
may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt
to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost
succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse
these vile oppressors, I once again induced
myself to vomit on their favorite chair,
must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body, in attempt to make them aware
of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only
cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I
was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary
throughout the event. However, I could hear
the noise and smell the food. More
importantly I overheard that my confinement
was due to MY power
of "allergies." Must learn what this is and
how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are
flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is
routinely released and seems more than happy
to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The
bird on the other hand has got to be an
informant, and speaks with them regularly. I
am certain he reports my every move. Due to
his current placement in the metal room,
his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is
only a matter of time.
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DOG
LETTERS TO GOD
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if
ever, smell one another?
Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or
is it the same old
story?
Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, colt,
the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for
a dog?
How often do you see a cougar riding around? We
dogs love
a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the
'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God,
If
a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human
hears him, is he
still a bad dog?
Dear
God,
We
dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand
signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's,
electromagnetic energy fields and
Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake
hands to get in?
Dear
God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I
have to apologize?
Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I
must remember to be a
good dog:
I
will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or
after they throw it up.
I
will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.,
just because I like the way they smell.
I
will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter
box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and
Dad's laps.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
My
head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I
will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in
for Mom's driver's license and registration.
I
will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when
he's on the toilet.
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an
acceptable way of saying hello.
I
do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm
lying under the coffee table.
I
must shake the rainwater out of my fur before
entering the house.
I
will not throw up in the car.
I
will not come in from outside and immediately drag
my butt across the carpet
The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with
him and he makes that noise,
it's usually not a good thing.
Dear
God,
May I have my testicles back?
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